y dad was the most boring engineer I’d ever known. But when seven clowns appeared at his funeral and left a tiny box, I realized he’d been hiding something from me my entire life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At thirty-two, I organized weddings and birthdays.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Another wedding this weekend?” my husband Ryan asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Three.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Do you ever stop entertaining people?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nI organized weddings and birthdays.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Only when I’m asleep.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You probably tell jokes in your dreams.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“At least my audience never complains.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou know normal people can sit quietly for five minutes, right?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSounds like a medical condition.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nMy audience never complains.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
My father, Thomas, was my complete opposite.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Dad, why are your kitchen drawers labeled?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“So people put things where they belong.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“And why did you measure the Christmas lights?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Because crooked lights look ridiculous.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nMy father was my complete opposite.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“You’re an engineer, not a building inspector!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Someone has to maintain standards, sweetheart.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I spent my childhood trying to make him laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He rarely did.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Dad, do I embarrass you?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nYou’re an engineer.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Why would you ask that?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You never laugh at my jokes.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That doesn’t mean I’m embarrassed.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Then what does it mean?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He adjusted his glasses. “Emily, you’re overthinking it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nDo I embarrass you?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
But I never knew what he really thought of me.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Whenever I was upset, Dad wound an old music box with a dancing clown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Why a clown, Dad?”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Because even clowns have bad days.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Do you?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nEmily, you’re overthinking it.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Occasionally.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Then why don’t you ever laugh?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Someone has to be the serious one.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mom, Margaret, was different. She laughed at practically everything.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou got your father’s best quality,\u201d she often said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nI never knew what he really thought of me.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHis ability to calculate mortgage interest?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cSomething much better.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
She never explained.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then Dad became seriously ill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Another ridiculous card?” he asked when I visited.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nSomeone has to be the serious one.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“You loved the last one.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“It had a dancing potato.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“And you almost smiled.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Your imagination is remarkable, sweetheart.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One afternoon, I found him staring out his hospital window.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nYou loved the last one.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGuess what? I’m becoming a magician.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dad raised an eyebrow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cRyan says I should make our electricity bill disappear first.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dad smiled faintly. \u201cEmily, you don’t always have to laugh.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSomebody has to keep this family entertaining.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nYour imagination is remarkable.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat’s not what I meant.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I changed the subject.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Three weeks later, he was gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And organizing his funeral was the first event I couldn’t make beautiful.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dad’s funeral was supposed to be small.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nYou don’t always have to laugh.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
We invited family, neighbors, and former coworkers. The night before, I’d posted the details on Facebook because relatives kept asking for the cemetery address.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I didn’t think anything of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ryan stood beside me as the minister began speaking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou okay?\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nDad’s funeral was supposed to be small.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cConsidering I haven’t threatened the funeral director over those flowers? Fantastic.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cEmily.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I spotted seven clowns near the cemetery fence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Ryan, are you seeing this?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nI’d posted the details on Facebook.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Seven clowns?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“At Dad’s funeral?”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Maybe they’re at the wrong service.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Then why are they staring at his grave?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
None of them smiled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nSeven clowns?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
My aunt leaned toward me. \u201cEmily, did you hire entertainment?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFor my father’s funeral?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cI’m just asking.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
I turned toward Mom. \u201cDo you know them?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Her eyebrows lifted almost imperceptibly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nThey’re at the wrong service.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Then she shook her head. \u201cNo, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAre you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cOf course.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
The clowns stood silently throughout the service.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When the mourners began leaving, they approached Dad’s grave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nDid you hire entertainment?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
I couldn’t take it anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cExcuse me!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
The tallest clown stopped. He was an older man with blue triangles painted beneath his eyes.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Why are seven clowns attending my father’s funeral?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’m Walter. Your father was our friend.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nThey approached Dad’s grave.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“My father? The man who called rubber chickens an insult to poultry?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“We knew him for many years.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Then why have I never met you?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Walter hesitated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Thomas asked us to keep this private. He wanted you to discover his story yourself.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nYour father was our friend.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Why?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“He thought you’d understand better that way. And he made me promise not to explain everything here, at his funeral.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cTold me what?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
He exchanged glances with the others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Before I could respond, Walter removed a tiny dark-red box from his pocket.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nHe wanted you to discover his story yourself.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
It was barely an inch wide.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
He placed it among the flowers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cWhat is that?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSomething he left behind.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFor whom?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nWalter removed a tiny dark-red box from his pocket.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFor you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then all seven walked away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWait! You can’t just leave that!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nobody turned around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I followed them toward the parking lot, but they were already climbing into a white van.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nSomething he left behind.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
I photographed the van’s license plate. There was a faded logo on the door, but I couldn’t make out the words.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ryan caught up with me. \u201cWhat’s happening?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI apparently missed the part of Dad’s life where he joined a circus.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mom appeared behind us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cEmily, perhaps you should leave that box alone.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nYou can’t just leave that!<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
I stared at her. \u201cSeven strangers dressed as clowns just attended Dad’s funeral. We’re past leaving things alone.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I returned to the grave and opened the box.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Inside was a miniature metal winding key.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Four numbers were engraved on its handle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My birth year.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nWe’re past leaving things alone.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cRyan,\u201d I whispered, \u201cwhy would Dad give strangers a key from the year I was born?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And what did it open?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
I showed Mom the key.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Does this look familiar?”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
She studied it. “Perhaps. Where did you find it?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nInside was a miniature metal winding key.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“The clowns left it on Dad’s grave.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mom looked away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Emily, please. Not today.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Then I noticed the tiny winding handle.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Suddenly, I remembered the dancing clown from my childhood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nWhat did it open?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Dad’s music box.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hadn’t seen that music box since I moved out of my parents’ house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why had Dad sent me its key through seven strangers?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Was there something inside he wanted me to find?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
An hour later, while relatives gathered at Mom’s house, I slipped into Dad’s study.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nDad’s music box.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
His music box stood on the highest shelf.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I inserted the key.<\/em> It fit perfectly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The familiar melody filled the room, and the little clown began spinning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then I noticed the wooden base had shifted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I turned the box over and discovered a hidden compartment.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nWas there something inside he wanted me to find?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Inside, I found three things:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
- Old photographs.<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Donation receipts.<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- A worn notebook.<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
I called Ryan over. “Count the clowns.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Eight.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Recognize the seven from the funeral?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nI discovered a hidden compartment.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Yeah. Who’s the eighth?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I pointed.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Your father?” my husband gasped.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Wearing red shoes.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“He looks miserable.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nCount the clowns.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“That’s his happy face.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The receipts showed decades of donations to an organization I’d never heard of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Look at this.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Your dad in a clown costume?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Check the date.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nHe looks miserable.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“June 2018.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Exactly. Why was he still dressing like that twenty-four years after I was born?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Maybe he enjoyed it?”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Then why did he hide it from us?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One sentence was underlined twice.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nThat’s his happy face.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I’m doing this to atone for my sin against them.\u2019<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Ryan, what sin?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“What?”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Did Dad hurt someone?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Emily…”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nOne sentence was underlined twice.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Was he supporting another family?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“You don’t know that.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Then why did he write it?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I searched online for the organization listed on the receipts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nDid Dad hurt someone?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
The charity organized performances for children in hospitals and hospices.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Walter was listed as a founding member.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I called immediately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Hello, you’ve reached the charity office. Walter speaking.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“It’s Emily. I found Dad’s photographs and notebook.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nWhy did he write it?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Silence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“I need answers, Walter.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“Can you come tomorrow?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Only if you’re ready to tell me everything.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I am.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nI found Dad’s photographs and notebook.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That evening, Ryan found me studying Dad’s notebook.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMaybe he just supported the charity,\u201d he suggested.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cThen why hide it?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cPeople keep things private.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNot thirty years of clown photographs.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nYou’re ready to tell me everything.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
He pointed toward another page. \u201cWhat’s that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I read the sentence aloud.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018She finally laughed. I was afraid I’d never hear that sound again.\u2019<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
I stared at it. \u201cRyan, who was she?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He didn’t answer.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
And suddenly I wondered whether Dad had loved someone we knew nothing about.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nPeople keep things private.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The following morning, Walter greeted me at the charity’s office.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The other six clowns sat around a table without makeup. They looked like ordinary retirees.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Somehow, that made everything stranger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I spread the photographs and receipts across the table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Why was Dad sending you money for thirty years?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nI was afraid I’d never hear that sound again.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“He helped finance our programs,” Walter explained. “Without his support, this charity might not have survived.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Are you telling me Dad was some secret philanthropist?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“In a manner of speaking.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“And I found a photograph from 2018. Dad was still wearing that costume.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nWhy was Dad sending you money for thirty years?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Walter glanced at the other men. “So you noticed.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Of course I noticed. What was he doing dressed like that twenty-four years later?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That’s something you’ll understand soon enough.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cThen what’s this?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n